I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
