Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
you had me at cake vodka
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
