He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
