so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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