please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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