did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
