I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
