Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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