guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
