oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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