So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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