sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Welp...herpes.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
