Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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