He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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