You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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