the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
