I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
