I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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