There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
