so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
