Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Randomize
