Welp...herpes.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
