I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
