My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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