I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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