You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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