My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
