piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Randomize
