oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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