the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
if i died would you start the facebook group?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
