and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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