my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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