I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
