Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
