I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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