Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
