My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
