After last night, I could never be a politician.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
