i think my mom watched the whole time
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
