I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
