Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
