you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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