Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
