I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
