so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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