DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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