I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
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