i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
