K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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