I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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