How'd it feel making her break her religion?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
