Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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