Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
