I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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