I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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