i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He felt like a one man threesome
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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