Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
