If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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